Maybe Next Lifetime
by Writer-N-Disguise
Summary: The Bean/Ender scene at the end of the book that got left off. "I just wish I could go with you." "I fought my war. Yours is on earth." A little angsty, but not too bad, I don't think. Rated T just to be safe. Slash


A/N: Alright, so I've never written a fanfic for this fandom before, so I hope it's alright. It's based on the book version of 'Ender's Game,' though there are some references to things in 'Ender's Shadow,' which is the same story, just from Bean's POV. However, I don't think not having read Bean's version of the story will make this difficult to understand. Small references, few and far between, since this will be written from Bean's POV.

Warning(s): Ender/Bean slash. If you don't like it, don't read it. Flames only make me laugh at the excessive amount of time you must have on your hands in order to amuse yourself in such a way.

Everything was quiet. Way too quiet, in Bean's mind. They had only recently defeated the Buggers, and tomorrow their ships were leaving the station heading back to earth. All, that is, except one.

Graff had already told Bean that Ender wouldn't be returning to earth. Bean hadn't really been surprised, only saddened that his hunch was true. It made sense, and Bean wouldn't argue with the decision. If Ender returned, nations would be fighting to have him on their side. He would never have a moment of peace, and that, more than anything, was what Bean wished for Ender now that the war was over. Peace. He deserved it. He deserved to do what he wanted, go where he wanted, fight no one, and never have another drop of blood on his hands.

If Bean ever for a second wished that Ender was returning to earth with them, it was a selfish thought, which he rid himself of quickly and never spoke of.

But now, the night before they would leave, Bean wasn't even sure if he would be able to see Ender in the morning. And leaving without one last good-bye, well that simply wasn't an option.

The guard around Ender's quarters had been lax the last few days, without even having a guard at night, so Bean was able to knock lightly on his door without Graff or anyone else being the wiser. Well, Graff probably knew. Graff seemed to know a lot more about what he did than Bean gave him credit for, but now at least Graff was upfront about it, and didn't mind Bean's behaviors so much.

Bean heard shuffling inside the quarters, and then the door opened a crack. Ender didn't look surprised to see him, only offered him a weary smile and walked back inside, leaving the door open for Bean to follow him.

"You know," Ender said as he leaned back against the small desk. It wasn't a question, but Bean nodded anyway. Ender sighed, then smiled. "Well, I'm glad I can at least say one good-bye, then. Graff doesn't want the others to know I'm not going back to earth with you. Think it'll upset the delicate balance he's finally procured on the ship." The last words sounded rehearsed, with only the slightest bit of sarcasm.

"He has a point," Bean said.

"I know," Ender said. "And to be honest, I'm glad for it."

Those words hurt more than Bean expected them to. He didn't know why they hit him so hard. Maybe it was because he had come to rely on Ender, and Ender in turn, was glad to be nowhere near Bean for the rest of his life. Was it because he considered Ender to be his friend? He wasn't really good at friendships. What purpose did they serve?

Was it mutually beneficial cooperation? He had had that with Poke. She saved him from starving, he found her a bully that could protect them and get them into the front of the line at the soup kitchen. Then that same bully had killed Poke and left her body floating in the river. He felt responsible, but he had never considered her a friend.

Or was it helping someone who could do nothing for you? He'd tried that as well, with Nikolai. Hell of a lot of good that did. He put Nikolai in the Dragon Army, even though he wasn't all that good, but because he was maybe a friend. Nikolai could tell he was behind everyone else, and was always struggling to keep up. So what did Bean do? He asked Nikolai to be in the separate group that Ender had asked him to form. He had insisted on it, actually, and almost lost Nikolai's friendship over it.

Yeah, Bean wasn't that good at friendships. But he didn't even know if that's what this was. He admired Ender. He always had, even before Ender knew his name. He could still feel the sharp sting when, after putting himself in Dragon Army, intent on making Ender proud of him, the child commander didn't even know his name.

It was a strong kind of admiration that Bean had for Ender. It was the kind that had brought such unfamiliar tears to his eyes back in Battle School, when Ender was promoted and Bean was so sure he'd never see his fearless commander again.

"Well, then sorry to bother you," Bean said harshly, eyes glued to the floor so that Ender couldn't see him holding back the tears. "I'm sure you've got better things to do than have to put up with one of your old crew." Bean turned to leave, but stopped when he felt Ender's hand rest on his shoulder, heavy and warm even through the cloth of his shirt.

"Stop, I didn't mean it like that," Ender said. Bean turned around and looked at him, his fearless commander, shifting uneasily from one foot to the other, searching for the right words. That was when it hit him that Ender wasn't all that good at friendships either.

Even now, he could remember Ender's words, the last request he ever made of the team that he commanded to victory over the Buggers, begging to not be their commander anymore. To not have to command anyone, ever again. He remembered the jokes, told among the group, but always stopped short whenever Ender was in earshot. The jokes that, even when he was around to hear, he didn't understand, or he didn't care to. Because he was the commander. That was what he had been trained to be. Not equals, never equals.

"Sorry, I just," Ender started, and then ran a hand through his short hair. "I don't want to fight anymore. And if I go back to earth, that's all I'll be asked to do. If the only alternative is leaving, and never seeing a familiar face again, I guess I'll have to take that. I'd take anything over never having to go to war again, to kill and massacre."

"I understand," Bean said, because truly he did, even if Ender had that look on his face that said no one could know his burden. Because Bean did know the burden. He had carried it through the entire battle with the Buggers. While Ender and everyone else thought it was practice, thought it was a game, Bean knew better. And he had to keep his mouth shut. He held his tongue every time he saw one of his ships get hit; he pushed away every thought of the human being inside of it, the one that was now dead, and no one knew it but him. Even now, Bean didn't tell Ender that he'd known, because really, what purpose would that serve? Bean didn't want Ender's last memory of him to be as someone who had lied to and betrayed him during one of the most important moments in history.

"I just wish I could go with you," the words were out of Bean's mouth before he knew they had crossed his mind.

Ender gave him a sad smile. "I fought my war," he said. "Yours is on earth."

"Let them fight their own war," Bean snapped. He didn't want to fight their war. Just because he understood it, from both sides, and every outlier and stronghold against the war, didn't mean that he wanted any part of it. They had just defeated their true enemy, so why turn the guns back towards each other? Humans couldn't exist, it seemed, without finding an enemy somewhere.

When Bean looked up, he saw Ender just watching him. "They'll need you," Ender said. "You're smart. A lot of the kids, they're commander material. But they can be force fed any lies they're told. You're too smart for that. And that's why you have to stay. There has to be an era of peace somewhere. Believe me, I wish you could come with me. But they need you a lot more than I do."

Something in the way Ender spoke those words made him feel as if his chest was constricting, squeezing all the air from his lungs. He wasn't sure if it was the way Ender had implied that he didn't need him that much, because earth needed him more, or if it was because Ender said that he needed him at all.

All Bean could do was put a smirk on his face and laugh, because what else could he say to that? "Yeah, I guess someone has to pull their heads out of their asses, eh?"

"I'm counting on you to do it," Ender said, a wider smile spreading across his face. Silence fell around them for a long moment before Ender held out his hand. It felt so familiar, exactly as it had happened when Ender was promoted. This was his good-bye. "Good luck, Bean."

Bean stared at his hand for a moment, then pushed it out of the way and wrapped his arms around Ender's waist, face half buried in his chest. "Good luck to you too, Ender," he said. He felt Ender's arms wrap around his shoulders. It felt like he was being wrapped in perfect sunlight, warm and safe. "Wherever you end up, I know it will become a better place for you being there."

Ender started to pull back, and Bean didn't realize he'd been crying until he saw the dark tear stains on Ender's shirt. Bean went to pull away from the embrace, but Ender held him just close enough that Bean's face an inch or two from his chest.

Two fingers curled under Bean's chin and tilted his face up. Ender gave him a half-smile before leaning down and pressing his mouth against Bean's. Bean felt like his chest was on fire. Was this it? The strong admiration that Bean felt for Ender, but had no name for? It wasn't friendship; this was different than what he felt for Nikolai.

The kiss was chaste but firm, barely longer than a quick peck. Ender pulled back and turned quickly, but not before Bean could see the telltale glisten of tears in his eyes.

"Good-bye, Bean," Ender said, his voice thick with emotion. "Good luck to you."

Bean stood there, not moving for what felt like an hour, though it was probably less than a minute. "You complete asshole!" Bean yelled, not caring if he woke everyone on the ship.

"I'm sorry," Ender said. "I shouldn't have-"

"Damn right, you shouldn't have," Bean said firmly. He felt like his blood was boiling as it coursed through his body. "You can't just do that, then be all, 'have a good life.' It doesn't work like that." But that wasn't really why Bean was angry. And he hated himself for the angry tears that built up in eyes again. He hated the way Ender turned to face him, not defending his action and just accepting Bean's verbal abuse. Bean opened his mouth again, ready to yell essentially the same thing again until it got through to Ender, but instead, what came out was a weak voice, "Take me with you."

"I can't take you away from earth," Ender said, not sounding at all surprised by the request. "They need you."

"Well, I need you," Bean said, the words surprising him, and apparently Ender as well.

Ender blinked at him, staring blankly at Bean for a long minute before shaking his head. "No, you don't," he said. "You want to come with me, and believe me I want that too. But they need you, before they start a war that does more damage than the Buggers ever did."

"Guess we just got an unlucky draw this time around, eh?" Bean said.

Ender gave him a weak smile. "It's just- I have to leave, and you have to stay. A different option isn't in the cards for us," he said. "Not in this lifetime." He smiled and meant it as a joke. Bean, however, saw it as a challenge, or a promise. Whichever, really.

Bean closed the distance between them, one hand grasping at Ender's shirt to pull him down, the other wrapping in his hair as Bean covered Ender's mouth with his. Ender's arms wrapped around Bean's waist, starting to lift him off the ground, but Bean kicked him in the shin, and Ender set him back down, laughing against his lips. He would not be treated like a child, a dwarf or a doll to be picked up and moved around. Not here, not now, and not by Ender.

Ender didn't seem to mind the show of defiance. As his hands wrapped in Bean's hair, he kissed back even more intensely, his tongue playing at the seam between Bean's lips. Bean opened his mouth, allowing the kiss to deepen. His chest constricted and his skin burned, but he relished the feeling, tucking it away in his memory.

Ender was the one to pull away first, breaths short and ragged as he leaned his forehead against Bean's. Bean kept his eyes closed, still able to feel the gentle sensations of Ender's mouth against his own. Bean took a step back, forcing Ender's hands to drop from his shoulders.

"Bye, Ender," he said. He was almost at the door before he heard Ender's voice.

"Now who's the asshole?" Ender asked.

Bean turned back to him, smiling slightly. Ender was smiling as well. A real smile, and it hurt Bean that that was the last one he'd see.

Turning back to the door, Bean stepped out into the corridor. Before he shut the door, he peeked back inside and smiled. "See you next lifetime, Ender."

A/N: Well? Reviews are loved, very much. Thanks for reading.


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